uneasiness

I cannot kick the thought out of my head when you say "let's not talk about this one sided thing anymore". I feel as if I have to ease the frustration. After all, all I wanted is for you to be happy.

But maybe I could pretend that it doesn't bother me.

ducks!x4

The last time I visited Jurong Bird Park, I had limited time. Today, I still had limited time. We got caught up in the Lories aviary again. Messing with the red lories and playing with blunt beak. The company was definitely entertaining, especially when they started talking like ducks.

Thank you for the day darling. I hope you enjoyed yourself.

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul

4 ugly duckings and one beautiful princess

Bird-women, providing oats for feeding and hair for nesting

unfortunate

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just a series of unfortunate events. 

when you needed me.

I wasn't there when you needed me the most. I am so afraid now… Please darling please call me…

I am relieved when you tell me you are alright, but it is alright not to be alright. Please talk to me if you need me alright. I am sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me.

CNY Again, 2015

Coming back to my grandparents home in Petaling Jaya, Malaysia every Chinese New Year is a routine our family has done since as long as I can remember. However, I don't quite enjoy the trips. I am reminded why I dread coming back.

My grandfather is getting on in years. From my earliest recollection of him, he used to be an idealistic big old man with minimal hair on his head and a husky voice. Whenever I came over, he would tour me around his beautifully rustic garden and read to me chinese storybooks. Some days we would have interesting conversations about all the ideas he had in mind. Those days were many years ago. Now, he is much older, as old as he will ever be. He can no longer walk a lot anymore, instead, he shuffles his heavy feets across short distances. He has no control of his bladder anymore, and the stench of urine follows him everywhere. He no longer talks freely anymore, just ask, and answer questions now. The saddest part is that no one converse with him anymore, no one respects him anymore. Seeing my grandfather a reminder of my mortality, that someday I may grow old and feeble, and my physical and mental capability would fail me, and I would no longer be living, and all that is left is an empty vessel awaiting death. It would be my worst nightmare to end up in that state, and all I wish for is a dignified death.

This trip, I also wondered about singularity. I have heard many stories of successful people with immense wealth, but are alone in the world. I can only imagine the loneliest they feel. To come home to an empty home. To have dinner alone on Chinese New Year eve. To have the whole bed to themselves. It may not sound like a bad scenario, but I think we can never fully empathize with these people. We are fortunate to have companionship most of our life, and we all take for granted our family and friends. Recently I have been becoming increasingly materialistic. I fear that I may end up a lonely man, with nothing to look forward to, nobody to turn to. And I would be empty, just like an empty vessel, awaiting death. I scares me really.

All that free time in Malaysia makes my mind wonder a little.

"stop writing"

All has been written. We are done with our very last exam paper of our polytechnic education. It really has been a pleasure studying with you, lending you my jacket when it is cold in the library, making sure you are on track and not distracted. I remember fondly once we were at Blk 5, you took a nap on my lap. I took a close look at your face, you are beautiful, I want you to know that (It was an AM).

How I wish I could put my hands over your shoulders just now a Jonnie's. How I wish I can show them how special you are to me. I miss you Jin Hui.

pregnancy woe

This woe of yours, isn't as superficial as it seems. It stems from the environment that you come from, shaming individuals who indulge in pre-martial sex, naturally you would develop a heighten fear of our relationship being uncovered. It makes it even more unnerving because of the nature of our relationship. But I want you to know that I understand and respect you, and that you are not alone, I am here if you ever need me.

valentines valentines.

I notice that you constantly wear the neckless your father gave you, it seems that the neckless also carries his love, hopes and dreams for you. It is beautiful. But just so coincidentally, you aren't wearing it today. I hope you like the neckless I gave you. It is not meant to be a replacement of your father's love, hopes and dreams, instead, if someday you are feeling different, you could wear mine.

laying off febuary

I really do not wish to aggravate the pregnancy woes, and I do not want to make it seem like I am just using you for sex. Thus, I feel that we should refrain from sexual contact, at least for a month. I want you to be happy darling.

Update.. oh fuck it failed. I'm so sorry.