frustration of unknowingness

Curiosity kills the cat. I know it kills you inside to not know what is going on inside my head. I apologize for making you feel this way. I just felt that some thoughts I should keep private, especially if it would affect you. But even then I shouldn't have incited your curiosity and then cut you out. I will open up to you more from now on, it is only right that way!

My legs feels so airy now it is so weird, and oh look I rediscovered my birthmark, it hasn't been seen since puberty hit me. 

holland plain

The first time I went to Holland plain, it was with my dad. There was a beautiful sunset that I still remember even till today. The evening blue sky behind the crimson clouds as golden rays leaked from the setting sun. I was mesmerized, and told myself that I would bring someone special here one day. 3 years later, I am here with you, lying on the mat, watching the sky turn from emotionless neutral baby blue into a dramatic warm golden orange. It was fulfilling, because you are someone special.

sudden realization

I just had a sudden realization, by showering you love and concern and putting effort into this relationship, it helps me love myself more.

self doubt

You made me face my inner demons again tonight. I guess I didn't handle it well enough. I'm sorry, I really am trying.

sadness welled up in your eyes

I see sadness welled up in your eyes. I understand your emotional side. Darling I could be your shoulder to cry on now, so don't put up a strong facade, don't hold back.

not enough time

I'm sorry darling, I really want to write more, but time is an issue. I promise to try to keep updated yea

family dinner

I apologize for the raw chicken meat, and even more so for the awkward situation. But don't worrying darling my folks don't bite, much. It was a lovely day with you. Thank you!

It was rather scary how you flare at Lucas thou, and I thought that maybe you could have handled the situation a tad more calmly. Nonetheless he was wrong to vent off his frustration at you.

ashamed

"Goodnight and sweetest dreams Jin Hui" I say this whenever I feel uncomfortable.

I am disappointed in myself.
I guess this is why I cannot make promises to you.
I guess this is why I asked you not to trust me.
Because I seem to break all the promises I make to myself.

Since young, my mom told me never to lie to your partner, never break the trust between each other, because once it is broken, it can never be pieced backed together like how it once was.
I do not know how much my words will mean to you tomorrow, after all my past actions, and I have abused and misused the phrase "I am sorry" one too many time.

micheal buble

While Micheal Bublé was charming us with his sleek moves and sexy voice. I looked to my left, and saw you gazing at me. That affectionate gaze from such a beautiful person, melted my heart. You are so beautiful. So beautiful. It wasn't just the azure blue mini dress, or the two-tone Jimmy Choos. I think it was your eyes, filled with fondness for me, and to catch you admiring me amidst all the jazzy tunes, blazing spotlights and cheering crowd. Suddenly it felt as if my subconsciousness took a snapshot of that moment. I'm mesmerized by your mesmerized demeanor. Thank you for the opportunity to watch Micheal Bublé my lover, convey my gratitude to your parents too. I thoroughly enjoyed and love the concert, and biggest reason why I love the concert is because through it, I fell in you with you.

darling your lips

I cannot deny it, it feels as if my heart has been shattered, my head is spinning, numbness is coursing through my veins, and chills is spreading across my skin. I didn't know I was this fragile. Please don't see this as a guilt trap, this is what I genuinely feel like now, there is no peppering it up, nor diluting it down. All my words tonight were genuine too, unfortunately it has brought us to this predicament, and I'm so sorry if those words have hurt you. 

Isn't it such an irony, we both wanting to shower each other with love, affection and concern, when we ourselves couldn't love ourselves. I thought I would be a much better lover than this, obviously I thought wrongly and too highly of myself. I didn't wanted to write anything, especially when I couldn't bring myself to say anything to you just now. This could be such a bitter ending, I never thought that it would end like this, but then again, life never plays out the way you imagined it to, doesn't it. 

It was your lips that drew me close to you, but it was your being that kept close by. You are such a beautiful and strong individual, both exterior and interior, I really hope that I helped you see that in yourself.

I also have got to thank you, because I have learnt so much about myself, and I now know where to improve on, how to change for the better. Loving myself more, I will try my very best to do so. 

I still don't know what to say, or what to do. Maybe I will tomorrow. Maybe you could tell me too. Please do help me too. 

… and please, I beg of you, don't say that I am looking forward to the ending, that sentence keeps replaying in my mind, and it is absolutely heart wrenching, every single time I hear it. 

cheesecake and honey water

Sure we had our disagreement last night, but this morning I felt that I need to make you happy. I'm so glad that it made your day. I hope your throat gets well soon!

I mean sure, we could be disappointed and angry at the person, but I rather (and hopefully I would continue to) convert this emotions into something meaningful and shower the person with love, especially so if nothing good is going to come out of the bickering. 

ps. I have horrible handwriting, please don't hoard those stickies.

unhappiness.

We had our first argument today. You were pretty upset over the fact that I would do drugs again. Under your fiery temper, I couldn't substantiate my stance, I screwed up.
 
I understand where you are coming from and I thank you for your concern. I have tried putting myself in your shoes, and I think I know how you feel. I matter to you, and you want to keep me safe, away from harm's way. Unable to do so, you feel frustrated, especially so when it is me putting myself in danger.

I truly am sorry for making you feel this way. I feel uneasy seeing that I have made you unhappy, and I really want to rectify the problem. However, I try not to make promises that I cannot keep. Some fine day I would stumble across these substances again, and I cannot say definitely that I would not touch them. Would I take them? I don't know really.

I could tell you reasons why I would do drugs again, but it will only sound extremely foolish to your ears. You would have to understand my perspective, my morals, the way I live. But don't get me wrong, I am not justifying that what I am doing is right.

It would be great if you could see/understand my point of view, however, I think that would be difficult, because I would have to change your whole outlook on what is right and what is wrong, your moral standings, and how you would want your life to play out.

And beside darling, don't waste your emotions and concern on me.

monologue failed

my idea of sex

I imagined that we would be in my room in the wee hours of the morning, the dim table lamp and flickering candles would tint my white walls yellow, and the serenades of Bossa Nova would be playing in the backdrop. We would be sitting by the window, with a glass of Mojito in our hands, talking. I would make the first move, moving in so gently for a kiss, and we would make out, slowly building the passion. My mouth moving down your chin, caressing your neck, teasing your ears. Then I will invite you onto the bed, where we would undress slowly, and I will appreciate your beautiful body. I would lay you down gently on your back, my hands exploring your skin and my lips planting kisses down from head to thigh. The anticipation will build as my head hovers over your clitoris, heaving warm air onto your sensitive skin. When the anticipation spills, I would lustfully fondle with your folds with my tongue. Licking and sucking, your body will quiver when I insert a finger into you, it won't be long before you start begging me to penetrate you. Our moans will get louder as I insert my penis into your soaking vagina. My gaze would be fixed on your bedroom eyes as I drive my body into yours. Slowly, I would lean in, my tongue dancing in your ears, hand kneading your breast, as I gyrate my hips against yours. Your breath would become incoherent and your eyes would flutter, it wouldn't be long before you hit an orgasm. After a minute to recover, I would beckon you to go on all fours, and penetrate you from behind. It would be slow, deep, powerful thrusting at first, pick up pace as the pressure builds. The slapping of my hips against your ass would send us into a trance. I would feel your vaginal muscle convulse before climaxing myself, filling you with warm semen. Worn from the lust and excitement we shared, I would collapse onto you, and we would slip into slumber.

bedroom sex finally

Finally, we had sex in the bedroom, my bedroom.

It was amazing, I could feel your body wholly rest against mine, and missionary was intensely intimate yet especially comfortable.

Sure, sex in the toilet or the car is hot,

but nothing beats the intimacy of a bedroom.

Sorry about Human Centipede, and oops we are so late for class, but what the heck it is IS anyways.

Je te laisserai des mots

Hello darling,

Although I do listen to EDM, there is so much more sounds that runs through me head, and I know we don't really have similar taste in music when it comes to the other genres. But nonetheless I wanted to share with you some of the songs that plays in my head. They have a happier tone, quietly happier vibe, hopefully it would make you feel better. Who knows maybe someday you would find something you like, maybe you would discover yourself in the songs.

Recently the serenading voice of Patrick Watson been on my mind. I got to know him through "Build a Home - The Cinematic Orchestra", and ever since I became addicted to his voice. His voice, it's not your typical "pop" vocal, it's coarse yet smooth, imperfect yet calmingly attractive. And his songs, it's a romantic ballad in the middle of Paris,  it's a tune you hum beside your lover, it's a melody you play to yourself.

Je te laisserai des mots

Je te laisserai des mots
En sous de ta porte
En sous de la lune qui chante
Tout près de la place où tes pieds passent
Caché dans les trous de temps d’hiver
Et quand tu es seule pendant un instant

Embrasse moi
Quand tu voudras

Embrasse moi
Quand tu voudras

Embrasse moi
Quand tu voudras

thought or two

I didn't check up on you today, since you challenged me yesterday. hahaha. So I thought I used this spare time to pen my thoughts about you.
You really are beautiful inside out. I'll be frank, I never took notice of you till after your breakup with simon. But when I became your lover, I notice how intense your olive eyes are, how delightful your button nose can be, and that silly sheepish smile of yours just gets to me every time.
You really will make a good partner, because even as a lover, I can feel the devotion and affection you shower me with, and I want to thank you for doing so, I appreciate it. :)
Before I initiated this peculiar relationship, I thought you were a shy, awkward and uncouth. Boy I have never been so wrong, and I love your confidence and how you juggle both personalities. It really  drives me crazy sometimes.

its 1:30am, I shall turn in now, else you would be nagging at me hahaha.
goodnight and sweetest dreams darling.

father

Before I begin, I would like to disclaim that these are just my thoughts, I have no intention of siding any party, and you should take it with a pinch of salt if my words does not cover the full extend of the situation.

From the many stories I have heard, I would come to think that your father is a rather grumpy, paranoid lonely man. But it would be utterly rude and foolish for me to make such a comment. I do not know the whole story, and who am I to make these comments? I am just an outsider.
From the many stories I have heard, there is no doubt your father has no clue on how to show his love, nor does he have any idea on what empathy is about. But I think it is because of the inability to connect with his daughter, that makes him very frustrated, and this frustration spills onto everyone around him, creating this unpleasant atmosphere in the house. I think I understand your pain, the feeling of loneliness at a place that is supposedly homely and warm.
From the many stories I have heard, I also believe that he still loves his daughter, he still loves you.

I might be foolish, do tell me if I am foolish. But all I wanted to do, is to see the bright side, see you happier.

ps. what really struck me about your father is the devotion he has, the weekly Saturday dates which he has been bringing his loved ones out for since his courtship days.

inside. me.

Steadfast, you said; and strong-willed you were. With your strong hands holding me at arms length and your lips mouthing the one word of rejection to me, your eyes told me otherwise. Cheesy as it sounds, the more you told me how much we shouldn't, the more I wanted to; the more I wanted you. Despite the couple of kisses I managed to steal from you in your bedroom, you remained unfazed and it made me kick you so hard in my head.
When it was time to go (yeah right), our conversation in the car dragged on and I tried my luck again. When our lips finally met and I felt you cave in to your own desires, I knew I wouldn't be home anytime soon then. You groaned about hating me as your hands trailed up to the apex of my thighs and I secretly thanked heavens my period was over. My heart was pounding and lust was filling every cell in my body. Thick, warm blood pulsed throughout my veins and made me breathe deeper and harder to match up to you. With random cars driving past every few minutes, you suggested a much more deserted place - the 4th floor - and up we went. We had peace and privacy as there were barely anyone and the moment the engine was killed, adrenaline took over immediately. That explains where I bucked up the courage to actually touch you and eventually, take you with my mouth. Your groans gave me a hint of what I was doing to you and that was such a turn on. I wanted to make you happy and I wanted you to feel good. But halfway through it seemed to me that you wanted to do the same to me as well - with you questioning 'what about me' and giving that seductive look that I have yet to learn to resist. Suggesting that we go to the back of the car due to space constraints, we used the doors upon my insistence instead of clambering and climbing. In a moment we were both naked waist down and you took me by surprise when your tongue invaded me in my most intimate area - sucking and licking and I know all I could do at that point in time was to inhale and exhale to keep my mind sane. I wanted you so bad and I wanted you inside me. I told you and thankfully you were willing to satisfy my desires. We became one as I felt you thrust in without mercy. It was so painful but so sensual at the same time; you filled me up when I felt like I almost couldn't take anymore of you. My mind was exploding and I couldn't think straight. You came but you didn't stop. Hormones raging, you went in again when I probed and that later became a mistake. That wasn't the end either, because the next thing I felt with my conscience mind were your fingers digging in and doing whatever it was. You caressed me from inside and I swear that you made me so weak I'm glad I wasn't standing. All I could afford were just moans that escaped from me and words just wouldn't form in proper sentences. I gripped you and my hands roamed up your back, feeling your ripped muscles beneath that thin shirt you wore. Your fingers were deft and so deep inside, I just know that my mind was blank. Not that I'm exaggerating but i really did feel this way because you pleasured me to this point. Things came to an abrupt stop when you found out how much I was bleeding as you saw your fingers coated with that amount of blood. It wasn't new to me, but it seemed like it was to you. We sat, cradled and talked instead and before I knew it, it was close to midnight. Time flew by so quickly, but nonetheless I am thankful to have had such an exciting night, so full of passionate love-making.

Minute man

We crawl back to the backseat, invading cookie's space. There was foreplay, and there was sex. Unfortunately, I was a minute man. I almost burst when you straddled me and started grinding. I pulled out and you continue grinding me. I'm sorry I'm so weak ahhahahaha! What can I say, I'm sexually open, but not sexually active. Next time we are having sex, I will have a condom, that should make the difference! :)

Goodbye 2014, hello 2014

The sound of waves crashing onto the shore was beneath us, and the pitch black horizon was littered with yellow lights emitted from the ships. In the distance, a red flare illuminated the vast black sky, it lingered quietly for some time, before sinking slowly into the horizon. Goodbye 2014, hello 2014.







Update...
HAVING A LOVER IS TAKING ITS TOLL ON MEEE!!!

Goodbye 2014, hello 2015